the year of you, day 38

Sunday, February 7, 2021

New Meditation Music: In the Stillness: Liquid Mind – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHbeC8Xj8JU

Question: What do you struggle to accept from your past?

Answer: The thing that I struggle to accept from my past has been that I didn’t try harder to do and be better. As I look back now, I know that I could have always done more to become great in some many ways, but NEVER had enough confidence in my abilities to challenge myself. I struggled with self-esteem A LOT! I feel like I half-assed everything when I was younger, never pushing myself harder or stretching out of my comfort zone. I just stayed in my little space, stayed with my core group of friends, and played it safe. I remember one of the first books I purchased talked about feeling like a fake. I remember in college, especially in my last three years, when people saw me as this HUGE party animal – and after the party I felt like shit. I felt like I didn’t have any substance – everything was just a façade. There was no REAL me when I was younger…I was the me that everyone expected me to be. And I think that stayed with me for a long, long time, where I had to be this persona in front of others because I couldn’t be myself – professionally and personally. Now, I’m at a much better place. I also believe that’s why I’m so passionate about the work I’m doing with college students today; I had NO DIRECTION at all, no “why” to guide me, nothing – other than following sports – that got me excited about life. Watching sports, talking about sports, playing sports – that’s the only place where I thrived. I could be myself, be me, and to be honest, be accepted. I honestly wonder what would have happened if I didn’t have sports as an outlet – it was my escape from the reality of life.


Other Stuff

If my writing about being fake/imposter syndrome resonated with you, here are a few articles to check out that might be helpful for further exploration:

Reading these articles really made me think a lot about my past. Back then, there wasn’t a lot of books/articles I could read, especially when I didn’t know what to look for. And there was no World Wide Web/Internet when I was in high school and college. And, as a young black males, I would not DARE ask for help! I was always taught to figure things out on your own. I thank God for getting me out of that mindset!

I know that if there’s anything I can share that adds value to at least ONE person reading this, that makes me feel joy. Thank you for listening and for being a part of this journey with me.


 

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